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Friday, 25 March 2016

Urbanski: Sex With Ted

So, it has now come out that Ted Cruz has apparently been involved in affairs with five different women besides his wife.  As implausible as it sounds that there could really be a total of six women on the planet willing to sleep with Ted Cruz, it certainly seems like the National Enquirer (who broke the scandal, like they did the John Edwards scandal before this) have showed more actual Journalistic skill on this than the entire rest of the mainstream media.  They were very careful to cross all their Ts and dot their Is, because this is how they avoid lawsuits.  So it sure looks like it's the real thing.

In honor of that, I present to you my collection, thus far, of the @KasimirUrbanski "Sex with Cruz" posts from Twitter and G+. Visualize, if you have the stomach for it, what sex with Ted Cruz must be like:

Imagine this face, looking down at you, drenched in sweat, making animal-like moaning noises from his dead lips as he humps you to the sound of "Battle Hymn Of The Republic" playing in the background...

He asks you if he can talk dirty to you while you fuck, and if you reluctantly agree, he starts telling you about how David smote the Jebusites.

He has a part of his body he  calls "'lil Ted"... but it's not his penis.

"Ted Cruz will show America the face of GOD" -Heidi Cruz

It turns out, "the face of GOD" was Ted's nickname for his penis.

Imagine that face, those lips, whispering into your ear in mid-coitus "Can I call you Hillary"?

"My son is an Anointed King, destined to take control of all sectors of society" -Pastor Rafael Cruz

Now we know what he was "anointed" with.

Imagine if you were a woman and Ted Cruz was going down on you. 

It would feel like if you were getting oral sex from a blobfish

If you have an affair with Ted Cruz, he won't promise to leave Heidi for you, but he will promise to speak with Jesus on your behalf on Judgment Day.  

It gets really awkward when Cruz asks you to dress up as Mary Magdalene and wash his feet with your tears.

When Cruz goes down on someone, he never stops talking about "carpet bombing"

Cruz also cries after sex, but he says it's only because he's thinking of the Founding Father's greatness.

But seriously, folks, the #CruzSexScandal isn't just fun and games. He gave $500K to the Fiorina campaign. If that was Hush Money, then Cruz may end up in prison.  Where the Cruz sex will be even more gross. 


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Oversize + H&H's Beverwyck

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